Ditch or SUV? A Tale from the EMS Crypt


The page out was for a 1050-PI (Motor Vehicle Collision with Personal Injury). As we arrived on scene, things didn't look good. There was an SUV in a field that had obviously rolled a few times, with papers and CDs scattered everywhere in the field. There was an overturned lawnmower next to the ditch with a patient in the ditch. My partner looks at me... "Do you want the field or the ditch?" "I'll take the ditch." "Okay"

I headed to the ditch gloved up and ready to go. I find my patient lying there with his eyes closed. At first I thought he was unresponsive. Crap, made the wrong decision. Should have chosen the SUV. "Sir"

As his eyes fluttered open he said "yes ma'am"

WHEW. My patient was completely alert and oriented, answering all questions appropriately. He states he was driving his lawnmower when all of a sudden an SUV came out of nowhere and plowed through him. Looking at the scene, this sounds about right. You can see swerve marks as far as the eye can see where the SUV had apparently ran off the road and back on several times. I assess my patient. Open tib fib (open fracture aka bone sticking out of the tibula and fibula, near where these bones connect at the ankle). As another unit arrives to take my patient it feels like we're in a tornado and it's super loud. I look up. The helicopter landed literally 20 feet from the SUV, [Random thought - those Vietnam Vet Pilots drive the shit out of those choppers and boy are we gonna miss them when they're gone - which now they are.] I turn my patient over to the crew on the ambulance and head into the field to help extricate the patient from the vehicle and get him to the chopper. But what I'm walking all over? What are all these torn pages? OMG. It's porn. There is PORN all over the field!!! How did this happen?!? It must have been in the SUV. There are CDs everywhere as well. Also porn. Everything you see is Big Black Beautiful Women. Everywhere. I knew this fella in the SUV. It's a small town, I know a lot of people. This dude is married to a short little ole tiny white lady. Awkward. Oh no, more awkward, here comes his wife. She walks through the field and never looks down.

"James"

"huh? oh yes Carol, I'm here"

"James are you okay?"

"I'm gone be fine."

Literally everyone - EMS, fire fighters, helicopter flight crew; are side eyeing each other and looking at the porn all over the field, ready for the wife to snap, but she never does. She remains calm, even though they're putting her husband into the helicopter. After he's loaded into the helicopter we watch his wife walk back to the car, never looking down, head held high. Everyone stares at her. How did she do it? How did she keep her composure under such pressure? It is argued that she was oblivious. But I know better.

When I was a child, I was friends with one of their kids. That was the first time I'd ever seen porn... the child I was friends with lead me to their bedroom when I was about 11 or so. There were stacks upon stacks of pornography everywhere, magazine stacks. If I had known the word "fuck" back then I would have said "What the fuck is this?!" but I didn't. I stared in wild-eyed bewilderment at the stacks of pornography in her parents bedroom.

Remembering this I know that she knows what is all over the ground, she's either cool with it or over it. Whatever the case may be, I'm impressed with how she carried herself. And I'd prefer to never see a shit pot ton of BBBW pornography ever again if I can help it.


(Names are changed to protect identities)


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